Steps To Take To Deal With Your Alienated Children
Dealing With Them When During Visitation/After Reunification.
First of all, let us discuss the more common of the two; the scenario of visitation.
Whether visitation is one day of the week or several, the behavior of an alienated child is most likely to be the same. Children are generally resistant and defiant, and will attempt to diffuse the alienated parent, and will make every attempt to diffuse the visitation. From ill behavior, violence, rudeness, underhanded tack ticks, you can expect anything.Generally, anything and everything can happen and a parent has to be on their guard. This is no time for cupcakes and ice cream. Young children in the family have to be guarded as well if they are from a second marriage. If I am sounding harsh, I mean to be, I am realistic. I have seen this happen.
Of course, as with everything in life, there are acceptations to every rule.
You may have a perfectly adjusted child who has been alienated from you. If that is the case, ignore everything I have said above.
The problem with children who have been under the influence by an alienator is that they suffer with PAS… Parental Alienation Syndrome. Although it is not a recognized syndrome by the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition text revision (DSM-IV TR is used by clinicians and psychiatrists to diagnose psychiatric illnesses.).
These children are emotionally behind by ten years by the time they are in their teens. Yes, they behave like 6-8 year olds. They may walk, talk and look like their peers, and are 4.0 students like my four children are, but emotionally, they are stunted.
I have the unprecedented ability to observe my four children 18,18,20, and 21 year olds. They have always been extremely healthy and well adjusted children. They were very closed to me until they were severed from me 8 years ago. Now, it is as if the clock has been pushed back 10 years and they must be taught every skill I taught them as children.
If any untrained stranger would look at them, they would see four happy, joyous, well-adjusted young adults. They are all students with academic honors. Well respected in their communities and in their jobs.
What went wrong? Their minds were stolen from them. They were lied to and deceived. They are victims of PAS. Can they ever get better? I believe they can, but it takes a great amount of work, and the influence of good must supersede the influence of evil.
If you only have a limited amount of contact, say one day a week, I don’t believe the there is a possibility that you will be able to overcome the influence that your child gets on a daily base from the alienator. That is an near impossible task. Do not ask that of yourself.
The most you can possibly do at those visits is show your child that you are a good parent. If you can do that, you have done a great thing.
The problem with children who have been under the influence by an alienator is that they suffer with PAS… Parental Alienation Syndrome. Although it is not a recognized syndrome by the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition text revision (DSM-IV TR is used by clinicians and psychiatrists to diagnose psychiatric illnesses).
If you are blessed and re-unify with your child/children, remember that strength is your greatest ally. They will test you as they did at the age of two. They want to know your boundaries. Do not falter with your morals, values, or beliefs. They will push and pull you and you will hear “well the other kids parents let them do that”. My answer has always been and still is “ go live with the other parents if my rules don’t suit you”.
Stand firm… you are their parent, not their friend. They want you to be their parent.
Remember, the alienator generally behaves in a “childlike fashion” an often “lures” the child. It is often very appealing to your child, but in the end, they seek out the parent figure for strength and ability. Be that parent for your child.
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