There is life after divorce and as bad as all of that can be for the children of separation and divorce there is a lot that can be done to move forward even when you and the other parent don't get along. Like many recently separated and divorced people with small children, I had some significant adjustments to make and was often reminded of how much different a parent-child bond is when compared to other interpersonal relationships; kids come first. Probably the best thing I ever did for my then young son was to marry his wonderful stepmom, Deb Cromer. As Nick pointed out, her name is B E D spelled backwards. Kids say the darnedest things don't they?
During many darker times I thought Deb was my guardian angel. Having been acquaintances and then friends for a few years first, Deb and I have been together and married for a long time now. Nick is an awesome young man and is doing well at Towson University; life is good. While never clouding her role and importance in Nick's life, I have never seen anyone show a stepson as much love. Indeed, step parenting following an ugly custody battle has its own unique and often painful challenges. I learned a lot from watching how those situations can best be handled while keeping a child's best interests of paramount concern. Amongst her many attributes, Deb, a/k/a our Administrative Goddess, is also the office manager at the Mastracci Law Office.
Now that I've told you more than you need to know, let me tell you why I choose to share such personal information.
When I was in law school, one of my teachers was an Associate Judge of the Circuit Court of Baltimore County. During Constitutional Criminal Law class, His Honor taught us that one of the most important things you can do for your client is to "know your judge." He added that he was not talking about personally knowing the judge as a friend (which generally doesn't hurt), but knowing the particular background of a judge so that one could have a reasonable degree of certainty as to how a particular judge would likely rule or otherwise view the particulars of any given case. Similarly, I believe that you, the client, should know your lawyer. All of us bring our personal experiences into our professional life. It is a part of our human nature and ultimately inevitable.
Another life-long lesson I learned from an adjunct professor, also a practicing attorney, was that "the practice of law has very little to do with the truth and everything to do with the perception of truth." Take a moment and think back on some of the more publicized criminal trials, political campaigns and scandals in recent years and you'll know what I mean.
There is another more common saying that is often true. "It's not necessarily what you know but who you know." Again, this is the reality.
Similarly, while my office concentrates in the areas of personal injury, auto accidents, workers' compensation, criminal defense, serious traffic violations, drunk driving cases, criminal trials, and family law matters, there are many other areas of law where I can be of service to my clients by simply making an appropriate referral.
I do not profess to know everything or to be "an expert" in each and every area of law. I believe in specialization and hiring the right person for the task at hand.
When looking for a qualified person to handle a specific legal matter or related service, an attorney is a good place to start. I often make referrals to competent alcohol and substance abuse counselors, child custody evaluators, accountants, realtors and the like.
Please contact me if you would like information on our comprehensive referral network to suit your individual and family needs.
During college and law school, I clerked at my father's law office in southwest Baltimore City. I grew up around the law. My father, A. Gus Mastracci, was an Assistant City Solicitor in the Baltimore City Law Department from 1968 to 1989. He was assigned to the Litigation Section, responsible for defending the City of Baltimore in jury and court trials for actions against Baltimore City.
In addition, my father, widely regarded as a "heavy hitter" among judges and attorneys, maintained a successful private practice and was the family lawyer for generations of residents in southwest Baltimore City and beyond, primarily concentrating in the areas of personal injury, auto accidents, workers' compensation and negligence actions.
Upon being admitted to the Maryland Bar, I joined my father's firm as an attorney and for many years, worked primarily in the area of personal injury and negligence cases, including auto accidents and workers' compensation claims. Additionally, I developed a criminal defense practice for our firm. Although we moved our office to Baltimore County in 1995, we were delighted that the majority of our long-time clients followed us and have continued to utilize our services, referring family members and friends throughout the years.
After a very short and less than harmonious marriage, I became the first branch on the Mastracci family tree to become separated and divorced. My "main man," Nicholas, was born in the spring of 1993, and had not yet reached the age of two before his mom and I separated and began one of the most acrimonious custody battles to wreak havoc on the Baltimore County Circuit Court. I only mention this because it was that experience that led to my interest in the area of family law matters and lead me to write my first book: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations.
ABOUT MIKE ~
Admitted: 1989, Maryland State BarLaw School: University of Baltimore, J.D., 1989College: University of Maryland, B.S., 1986
- 2014 - Appointed to the Baltimore County Bar Association's Bench - Bar Committee
- 2013-2014 Appointed to The Maryland Court Process Committee of the Commission on Child Custody Decision Making.
- Maryland Trial Lawyers Association, Maryland Association for Justice, Maryland Criminal Defense Association
- Maryland Collaborative Law Association, Inc., International Association of Collaborative Professionals, Maryland Collaborative Practice Council, Howard County Collaborative Professionals, Inc., Baltimore Collaborative Divorce Professionals
- Biography: Founder and President, The Child Access Center, 1998-1999
- 2010 President of the Maryland Collaborative Law Association
- Author of Award Winning and Highly Acclaimed Book: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations
- ISLN: 914224981
Born: Baltimore, Maryland, 1964
- The Collaborative Institute 2014: Finding Money Harmony in Collaborative Divorce; (June 6, 2014)
- Presented by Olivia Mellan, as seen on Oprah, The Today Show and 20/20 - Moneyharmony.com
Children's Bill of Rights
ReplyDeleteWHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn't forget -- and kids shouldn't let them -- when the family is in the midst of a break-up.
You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It's important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.
You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can't work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
You're entitled to all the feelings you're having. Don't be embarrassed by what you're feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you're allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.
You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone -- either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.
You don't belong in the middle of your parents' break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you're just a kid, and that you can't handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it's their fight, not yours.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you're living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent's side. You'll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren't together anymore.
You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn't worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.
----Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998
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HOW DID CHILDREN OF DIVORCE GET STUCK WITH THE VISITATION PLAN THAT AFFORDS THEM ACCESS TO THEIR NON-RESIDENTIAL PARENT ONLY ONE NIGHT DURING THE WEEK AND EVERY OTHER WEEK-END?
ReplyDeleteWhat is the research that supports such a schedule? Where is the data that confirms that such a plan is in the best interest of the child?
Well, reader, you can spend your time from now until eternity researching the literature, and YOU WILL NOT DISCOVER ANY SUPPORTING DATA for the typical visitation arrangement with the non-residential parent! The reality is that this arrangement is based solely on custom. And just like the short story, "The Lottery," in which the prizewinner is stoned to death, the message is that deeds and judgments are frequently arrived at based on nothing more than habit, fantasy, prejudice, and yes, on "junk science."
This family therapist upholds the importance of both parents playing an active and substantial role in their children's lives----especially in situations when the parents are apart. In order to support the goal for each parent to provide a meaningfully and considerable involvement in the lives of their children, I affirm that the resolution to custody requires an arrangement for joint legal custody and physical custody that maximizes the time with the non-residential----with the optimal arrangement being 50-50, whenever practical. It is my professional opinion that the customary visitation arrangement for non-residential parents to visit every other weekend and one night during the week is not sufficient to maintain a consequential relationship with their children. Although I have heard matrimonial attorneys, children's attorneys, and judges assert that the child needs the consistency of the same residence, I deem this assumption to be nonsense. I cannot be convinced that the consistency with one's bed trumps consistency with a parent!
Should the reader question how such an arrangement can be judiciously implemented which maximizes the child's time---even in a 50-50 arrangement----with the non-residential parent, I direct the reader to the book, Mom's House, Dads House, by the Isolina Ricci, PhD.
Indeed, the research that we do have supports the serious consequences to children when the father, who is generally the non-residential parent, does not play a meaningful role in lives of his children. The book, Fatherneed, (2000) by Dr. Kyle Pruitt, summarizes the research at Yale University about the importance of fathers to their children. And another post on this page summarizes an extensive list of other research.
Children of divorce or separation of their parents previously had each parent 100% of the time and obviously cannot have the same arrangement subsequent to their parents' separation. But it makes no sense to this family therapist that the result of parental separation is that the child is accorded only 20% time with one parent and 80% with the other. What rational person could possibly justify this?